In a Constant State of Flux: The Art of Not Panicking

Been a long time since I've grazed these pages... Frantically trying to get together a semblance of an essay. Argh... It seems that I alwiz barely manage to scrape through everything... Somehow I manage to compile a jumble of words together that sounded coherent. Dunno how I did to submit my essays... Somehow I manage to hang on by my teeth and bravely walk into the exam hall, praying with every pore in my body that I get through everysem in one piece... The competitions are done in the span of a mere two to three weeks, I dunno how but it does; the performances are ready only a few hours before the actual show... Thank goodness I dun have a loose bladder or I'd have to wear pampers everywhere I go. (hmmm... It'll give me a nice big round butt wif extra cushion - no more splinters from the floor wif pampers! Haha)

If there's one thing, it's that I never seem to go thru these escapades without feeling like a complete, useless utter failure. I mean, it's juz so overwhelming! Try juggling 2 15-page essays, travelling to Brunei for a performance, teaching 5 days a week, averaging 3 hrs each and having an exam in 2 weeks! The thought is enuf to make me crawl under the blanket and never wanna come out. I have no inkling how I'm gonna do this, but somehow I will. I have to.

Every sem, I alwiz start by worrying (yes I haven't got rid of tt bad habit), worrying somemore, then worrying still somemore, praying for help, feeling like an utter failure and like I'm never gonne get out of this one alive, sane and whole. Then I admit defeat, cry, pannic, Pray pray pray, and it's over. I somehow get through it. Whew.
I wonder if I'm ever gonna juz take the short cut: every sem, I pray pray pray... and it's done. I can't wait for that day to come. Must keep aiming towards that.

One thing that's been nagging me thou, this constant feeling that u're not in control and like everything's falling apart, like u're a small tadpole trying to lug 2 blue whales against the ocean current... Is that the dependence that Wilkinson talks about in The Prayer of Jabez? I mean aside all the worries (dun count them), is this constant feeling of "help me!" and "I'm never gonna get through this alive" what I should be feeling? I believe in the power of the prayer and it's been working miracles in our lives (very amazing actually), but I dun quite understanding everything yet.

Whatever. Sometimes, it's best not to think so much & juz feel.

I'm happy today. Finally finished one essay and another burden has been lifted off my shoulders... Read something that should have sent steam whistling out of my ears but was strangely tickled by it. maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe I'm finally able to adopt the right perspective regarding unpleasant remarks and not take it to heart. After all, I can gain from them if they are true, and shed that ugly skin, but they will have a tougher time living with the consequences. Anyway, we all make mistakes, so who am I to fault others who do so? What's most important is how I, we learn from them. Bernard said that an entreprenuer should not be afraid to make mistakes, in fact, he should make all the mistakes as fast as possible to get it behind him... Same goes to life I guess, so long as it doesn't cost you too much (like your life for example). Anyway, gonna read that strangely ticklish something again to get a hilarious laugh over it. Haha